Nonsense Airport People
One hour and twenty minutes is the perfect time for a layover. It’s not long enough to feel like you’re stuck in the airport forever and it’s not short enough to require you to sprint from gate to gate. Plus or minus fifteen minutes based on the size of the airport, one hour and twenty minutes is the exact ideal target for layover duration. I’ve found there’s seldom any laying during my layovers. In fact, the design of airport furniture seems to deliberately make laying down as uncomfortable and difficult as possible.
In the tiers of furniture designers, the lowest tier of designers must be responsible for airport furniture. In furniture designing school, I imagine that those who excel design exquisite abstract pieces for lounging and relaxation. Luxurious and voluminous, the top tier of furniture designers push the boundaries of the possibilities for physical relaxation and comfort. The middle tier of designers probably create practical things that are useful and do not cause actual pain. Slightly above the lowest tier, there is a special group of designers who make airplane seats. Although they are uncomfortable, they have a dedicated purpose of maximizing the amount of space inside a flying metal tube.
The bottom tier of designers, those responsible for airport furniture, have no such purpose. The success or failure of their designs carry no weight and do not matter. I do not understand the type of person who would design a bench without caring if anyone is able to comfortably sit on it. Of all of the people I’ve ever met or observed, they have all been found standing, sitting, or prone. It takes a special type of furniture to be completely useless in each of the three positions of which people typically are. It takes a special type of furniture for potentially thousands of people each day to give a coin flip between attempting to become comfortable on the furniture that won’t satisfy them or lay on the ground that we all know is less than sanitary.
As I landed in Charlotte for my layover, a touch longer than ideal at three hours and forty minutes, I relegated myself to the floor next to a giant window overlooking the tarmac, airport furniture be damned. Around me, groups of travelers exchanged stories. I eavesdropped on a man telling an elderly couple a tale of a woman who attempted (unsuccessfully, I assume) to pass off a shopping cart as a stroller for her children. The foundation of the woman’s argument was that, as an item that carried her babies, the cart was indisputably a baby carrier- one of several approved large items allowed in airports. To her annoyance, as the tale was told, the foundation of her argument was disputed. I do not know this woman, but I appreciate her spirit and portrayal in what’s become my own Rogue’s Gallery of what I’d like to refer to as “Nonsense Airport People.”
Nonsense Airport People are not real people. They only exist in airports. Once they leave the airport, they become regular people, indiscernible from you and me. Outside of the facilities for which people board, disembark, and maintain aircraft, Nonsense Airport People are every bit as rational, kind, well-meaning, and mild-mannered as anyone else. However, what separates Nonsense Airport People from everyone else inside airports is their unrelenting urge to behave irrationally once they step foot on an airport’s premises. The airport process is not complex. Travelers check in to their flight. They check bags. They walk through security. They board the plane. Waiting occurs between most of these steps. Occasionally, things outside of the traveler’s control makes the completion of this process difficult. Outside of that, the typical inability of someone to complete the process is due to their own poor planning or irrationality.
Thus defines Nonsense Airport People. Those who approach each step in the process irrationally and without appropriate planning. Given any type of problem that could occur in an airport, there is a list of actions that reasonable adults might take to overcome the boundaries set before them. Nonsense Airport People disregard these actions and opt instead for behavior that would not be expected by a rational human. Yelling is frequent among the Nonsense Airport People. They bargain and wager with airline desk attendants, fully understanding that they hold no chips.
Nonsense Airport People like to make their presence known at all of the choke points inside airports- the places where you can’t help but be aware of their behavior. Security lines, terminal lines, and baggage claims are the stages for which their nonsense is put on display. At the baggage claim, specifically- if each person stood three to five feet away from the baggage claim belts, there would be plenty of space for all travelers to identify their bags in the parade and easily maneuver to claim them. This is the type of situation where the collective behavior of the group benefits each individual. However, if one Nonsense Airport People decides to stand directly next to the baggage claim, so must the rest.
In order to establish their dominance and guarantee their ability to retrieve luggage without delay, other Nonsense Airport People must stand as close to the rails of the baggage claim as possible. This results in a situation where all travelers must elbow and fight their way through the crowd in order to claim their bags. This is something that I despise. If everyone took a step back, the entire process would be easier. If everyone independently acted to the benefit of the group, each individual would be better off. However, Nonsense Airport People ruin everything and they are why communism fails.
As I sat next to the giant window, I longed for the type of exclusivity that would allow me to separate myself from the Nonsense Airport People. I put my headphones in, closed my eyes, and imagined myself finally being the person whose bag comes out of the baggage claim first. It was a short-lived fantasy- I looked at my watch and groaned at realizing I still had three hours left on the layover. I would much have rather the time only been an hour and twenty minutes. That would have been ideal.
